Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize