yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
