she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
