My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
