You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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