i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
