I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
