Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
