dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
