Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
