Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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