First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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