Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize