My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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