My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
