we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
