In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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