I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well I just put wine in my tea
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
