so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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