I bet he comes in French.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
