i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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