True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
