I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
