whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
