Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
