you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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