He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize