I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
