Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
