dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
