She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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