Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
