you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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