just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
