Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
