Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
