i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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