Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
