why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
