Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
