Yo dont text me then not text me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
