The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
