got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
