The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
