the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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