toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
