I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
