ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
