i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
