just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
