I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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