We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
