So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
MIDGETS
????
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
