Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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