hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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