I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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