you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
