All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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