I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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