oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
