ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
