I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
