do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
