Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
