i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and she was petting her beer can
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
