Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
