Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We got so high we made milksteak
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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