batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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